Jupiter Ascending

WRITTEN BY: Andy Wachowski, Lana Wachowski
DIRECTED BY: Andy Wachowski, Lana Wachowski
STARRING: Channing Tatum, Milan Kunis, Sean Bean
RATING: 1.5 stars

Jupiter (Mila Kunis) hates her life, working as a cleaner. Desperate for money to buy a telescope like her dead father once had, Jupiter goes to a clinic to sell her eggs for easy cash. But before it can happen, Jupiter's life is threatened and she is saved by a hunter from space named Caine Wise (Channing Tatum). Meanwhile, in outer space, three royal siblings belonging to the House of Abrasax – Balem (Eddie Redmayne), Kalique (Tuppence Middleton), and Titus (Douglas Booth) – are quarrelling about who who should rule over Earth. It seems Jupiter is destined to play a vital role in their squabble.

I have a lot of thoughts about this film and almost none of them are positive. The countless plot holes were surpassed only by the lame dialogue, particularly regarding the romantic part of the story, which included a cliché kiss. Twilight gave us a more original love story. Most of the action scenes were flashy but cluttered, and they dragged on longer than necessary. Thankfully, the dragon/dinosaur-looking aliens looked very good and were probably the best aspect of the film.

It is as if the writing/directing team of Andy and Lana Wachowski thought that if they made Tatum keep his shirt off for a quarter of the film, the audience might forget how terrible it was. They even had him roller-blading/running in the air with his special gravity-defying shoes. It looks as ridiculous as you can imagine. Poor Kunis spent most of the time parading around in various dresses and running away from villains, although she did at least have one good fight scene. Redmayne was just plain creepy and over-acted. It is a wonder what even attracted him to the role. Equally, Bean's talents were wasted in his boring supporting role as Caine's mentor.

Quite simply, Jupiter Ascending is a mess and does not deserve anyone's hard-earned money.